How the Vatican is locking down the conclave

You think keeping a secret in today’s world is tough? Try running one of the most important elections on the planet while dodging drones, AI surveillance and a smartphone in every pocket.

When Pope Francis passed away, the Vatican went into immediate lockdown mode to protect the conclave, the centuries-old process where cardinals vote to elect the next pope. Let me tell you, the security isn’t just tight. It’s basically a Tom Clancy novel on espresso.

Phones off, blockers on

Remember 2005, when the Vatican politely told cardinals, “No flip phones, please”? Adorable. Today, the Gendarmerie (the Vatican’s police force) runs an electronic warfare squad. 

The moment the doors close, they flip on broad-spectrum signal jammers. Wi-Fi? Dead. Bluetooth? Buried. AirTags? Technological dust. Directional antennas flood every window and rooftop gap just in case.

Before the jammers fire, tech crews sweep rooms with nonlinear junction detectors (handheld wands that sniff out hidden circuits) and spectrum analyzers hunting rogue signals. They sweep again after the cardinals get in, and again once voting starts. Every person and everything gets inspected three times, from clothing to pens, crosses, rosaries and eyeglass frames.

Windows that stare back

Satellites can read a license plate from orbit, and AI lipreading can turn shaky long-lens video into a full transcript. The Vatican’s answer is dual-layer privacy film: a metallic, TEMPEST-rated laminate. 

It blocks 99 percent of light and nearly all infrared. From outside, every window looks like a black mirror. Inside, cardinals see only a dull gray glow. 

Thinking “just crack it open for fresh air”? Six Swiss Guards will somersault in like Cirque du Soleil. Magnetic sensors scream if a window budges more than a quarter inch. Cardinals aren’t even allowed to look outside the windows during the conclave. 

Guarding the smallest country

Vatican City covers just 0.44 km² (roughly 0.17 sq mi). It’s about the size of a smaller 18-hole golf course, but its security grid rivals a major airport. Deep below St. Peter’s Square, a command center watches 650-plus 4K cameras, microwave fences and RF-triangulation arrays that flag any surprise transmitter.

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AI isn’t optional anymore

Just last year, I had an IT pro on my team with over 20 years of experience. Smart guy. Talented. But when it came to AI, he dug in his heels. “It’s a fad,” he told me. “In two years, people will go back to Google and search the web. They won’t trust AI.” 

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Down to business

📅 New week, same desk, unless you upgrade it with these goodies.

😎 Shop my tech picks that are on sale right now!

❌ Apple says all iPhones need to ditch Chrome: Why? The browser doesn’t protect your data like Safari does. Case in point: Remember when Google promised to kill third-party cookies that track you? Yeah, that never happened. Advertisers still stalk your every move online and hit you with targeted ads.

36

The exact age scientists say bad habits really start wrecking your health. A study tracked hundreds of kids born in 1959 to 61 years old. Those who smoked, boozed and skipped workouts ended up sicker and more depressed. Great news if you’re 35, you’ve got 12 months left to be an absolute disaster on purpose.

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🤳 Selfie sin? Yep, it happened. Some folks actually took selfies next to Pope Francis’ body at St. Peter’s Basilica (paywall link). Blasphemy? Definitely, but the problem isn’t just tech. Phones are changing how we act in public. From loud music on buses to zombie-like sidewalk scrolling, it’s like we’re losing track of what’s OK to do in public. What do you think?

19

The number of bites of chicken per week that could start shaving years off your life, according to a new study. Congrats to all the vegans, you’ve been training for this moment. Turns out “Winner Winner Chicken Dinner” was actually a eulogy.

🖼️ Adobe’s new app protects your work: It’s called Content Authenticity, and it lets you add tamperproof metadata to images. There’s also an option to label files with things like “don’t train AI on this.” It’s free for now … you just need an Adobe account.

 👎 Social media is over: That’s what Mark Zuckerberg says. Meta’s being sued by the government for acting like a monopoly, but Zuck says every app does the same thing. TikTok and YouTube are just news, celebrity promos and AI slop now, like Meta. So really, what hold do they have? The days of friends posting real updates are long gone (paywall link).

6.7%

PC shipments jumped 6.7% last quarter as people rushed to replace old Windows 10 laptops before support ends and tariffs yeet prices into the stratosphere. Brands like Lenovo, HP and Dell are trying to move inventory fast,  before things get messy.

🚗 Want to own your own Waymo? Not me, thank you. This is a sneaky way to offload old inventory. Why? Tesla’s rolling out its own self-driving taxis in June, and they’re supposed to cost just 20% to 25% of Waymo’s.

📧 Heads-up, Gmail users: Google’s phasing out text message 2FA codes for logging in. If you don’t update your security settings in time, you could get locked out. You’ll now need to set up a passkey or use an authenticator app instead. To update: Go to Google Account Settings > Security > How you sign in to Google > and choose passkey or app.

Zero

That’s how much tap water flight attendants drink onboard, and yes, that includes the coffee and tea. Those plane water tanks? Let’s just say your local gas station bathroom might have better Yelp reviews. 

🖥️ Heard of WorkComposer? That’s the tool your boss might be using to watch everything you do on your computer. It just leaked over 21 million screenshots online, and some could include your logins, emails or company info. The data was left wide open in the cloud. Argh.

🦉 Don’t be such a dodo: New tech trend. Bird-watchers are trading iPhones for new binoculars that are waterproof and come with a mount. That way, you can snap photos and videos while you watch. No more “I swear it was right there!” moments. Check them out on Amazon ($130).

🔐 Locked up, they won’t let me in: Phone thieves are permanently locking users out of their iCloud accounts via Apple’s security features (paywall link). Armed with passcodes, they reset recovery keys, making account access impossible. Welcome to iHell: where you’re stuck screaming your mother’s maiden name when your memories are in the cloud.

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🍎 Minute details matter: Rick Shearman’s Apple Watch’s SOS feature saved his life after he was swept almost a mile out to sea. He used the emergency feature while treading water. The rescue team scooped him up before it turned into a “Find My Body” sort of mission. PSA: Swim parallel to shore and float, don’t fight.